Are You Over-functioning in Your Marriage? Here’s How to Find Balance

Jul 9

Takeaway: Understanding and addressing over-functioning in your marriage can help break the cycle of control and anxiety, leading to a healthier, more balanced relationship.

As a woman, you’re probably familiar with striving for perfection in every aspect of your life, often taking on too much to maintain control. This tendency, known as over-functioning, can strain your relationships, particularly your marriage, leading to resentment and conflict. Recognizing and addressing this behavior is crucial for fostering a healthy and balanced partnership.

I am going to walk you through the concept of over-functioning in marriage, how it develops, the signs to look for, and practical steps to overcome it. By understanding these dynamics, you can take meaningful action to improve your relationship and reduce anxiety.

What is Over-functioning?

Over-functioning is when you take on too many tasks that aren't essential, often driven by a need to manage your own anxiety or worries. This behavior can come off as controlling, which can be negatively perceived by your partner, friends, employees, or children. Over-functioners tend to take on the responsibilities, feelings, and needs of those around them, whether or not people want them to. In a marriage, this can lead to one partner controlling situations and doing everything themselves, which can be incredibly frustrating for the other partner.

Common Traits of Over-functioners

Over-functioners often:

Have high expectations and are highly perfectionistic.
Are judgmental if their partner doesn't meet their standards.
View their partners as under-functioning.
Create a cycle where they end up doing everything and becoming resentful.

The Root Causes of Over-functioning

Over-functioning often originates from childhood. Many over-functioners were caretakers who stepped into this role due to circumstances like divorce, mental illness, or addiction within the family. These roles are subconscious and often carried into adult relationships and the families we create.

Signs You're Over-functioning

Here are some signs that you might be over-functioning in your relationship:

Worrying about your partner's responsibilities: You worry they won't follow through with their tasks and feel the need to manage them - therefore never giving them an opportunity to actually come through for you.
Doing everything yourself: You don't delegate tasks because you don't trust they'll be done “correctly,” leading to resentment.
Managing your partner's responsibilities: You remind them to take their medicine, call family members, or schedule appointments.
Controlling daily routines: You manage their sleep, exercise, and eating habits.
Setting goals for your partner: You have aspirations for their career or personal life that they don't share.
Finishing their sentences or speaking for them: This can indicate a lack of trust in their ability to communicate effectively.
Being told you're too controlling: If your partner often tells you this, it's a strong sign you're over-functioning.

Steps to Address Over-functioning

If you've recognized yourself in these signs, here are some steps you can take to address over-functioning:

Observe and Reflect:
Start observing when you're over-functioning and notice the thoughts and feelings associated with it.
- Are you afraid something won't be done?
- Is there anxiety or fear showing up?
Identify Boundaries:
Determine what is truly your responsibility and what belongs to your partner or others. Trust that they can handle their tasks.
Let Go of Perfectionism:
Work on letting go of the need for everything to be perfect. This might require individual therapy to address past traumas and heal these tendencies.
Communicate with Your Partner:
Have open conversations about how you feel and the need for them to step up. Discuss their family of origin and how it might influence their behavior.
Seek Professional Help:
Therapy, both individual and couples, can be incredibly beneficial. Internal family systems work, cognitive behavioral therapy, and family systems work can all help address the root causes of over-functioning.
Try Fair Play:
Consider trying the Fair Play game by Eve Rodsky to better divide labor in your marriage. By implementing it, couples can foster a more collaborative approach to managing household responsibilities, promoting mutual respect and reducing the likelihood of over-functioning by one partner. It's a practical tool that encourages teamwork and enhances relationship dynamics.

Remember, this is not about judging yourself or your partner but about understanding and healing.

If you're struggling with over-functioning in your marriage, take the first step towards a healthier relationship today. Book a session with me to explore how therapy can help you find balance and improve your relationship dynamics.

If you’re not ready for that, my free guide to overcoming perfectionism will help you make large strides in a short time.

MEET THE AUTHOR

Justine Carino

Justine is a licensed mental health counselor with a private practice in White Plains, NY. She helps teenagers, young adults and families struggling with anxiety, depression, family conflict and relationship issues. Justine is also the host of the podcast Thoughts From the Couch.