Overcoming People Pleasing: Understanding Its Roots and Impact
Takeaway: Prioritizing your own needs and setting boundaries is key to moving away from people-pleasing behaviors and towards improved self-image and healthier relationships.
In today's society, many of us grapple with the need to please others, often at the expense of our own needs and well-being. This tendency, known as “people-pleasing,” can be rooted in a myriad of life experiences, including the fear of abandonment, familial expectations, and societal norms.
The Origins of People-Pleasing
Often, people-pleasing traits can be traced back to our early life experiences as survival skill to feel safe in our family. These experiences can range from direct abandonment, like a parent leaving, to indirect forms of abandonment, such as emotional neglect or receiving the silent treatment from the people who raised us. It could also be rooted in the guilt or fear of reactions when we assert ourselves. People-pleasers were once parent pleasers.
Cultural, societal, and familial messaging also play a role. For example, women have been traditionally taught to put others' needs before their own. This expectation, often seen in our mothers and grandmothers, can be passed down from generation to generation and the behaviors related to putting our needs aside to feel loved or worthy are often modeled to us.
The Impact of People-Pleasing
In adult life, people-pleasing can lead to feeling overcommitted and resentful, which can heighten stress levels and make us vulnerable to anxiety disorders. People-pleasers tend to avoid conflict, often resulting in passive communication and a tendency to over-apologize. This can lead to outbursts of moodiness or irritability, which you end up feeling even more guilty and reinforce your fear of abandonment from your partner or friends. This indicates that this coping mechanism is no longer serving you effectively.
Five Types of People-Pleasers
Through my experience as a licensed mental health counselor and therapist in Westchester County, I've identified five archetypes of people pleasers:
The Peacekeeper: This person puts their own needs aside to maintain peace, absorbing all surrounding issues. They often feel resentment as they find themselves doing things they don't want to do.
The Quiet One: This type rarely speaks up, finding conflict extremely frightening. They prefer to stay quiet and absorb what others are saying, leading to feelings of resentment as they feel they can't voice their own opinions.
The Golden Child: They strive to present themselves perfectly in every setting and do everything in their power to please others, even when they don't want to. This can lead to a loss of identity and a feeling of burnout.
The Good Girl: Striving for perfection in every aspect of their lives, they feel extremely guilty when they hurt someone's feelings and tend to over-apologize.
The Mediator: Often in the middle of conflicts to help find solutions, they work hard to get people to understand each other. However, it is important to remember it's not their responsibility to mediate all conflicts.
Understanding your own people-pleasing tendencies can be the first step towards change. If you're curious about the type of people pleaser you are, consider taking this quiz to help you identify your archetype and provide suggestions for managing these traits.
Remember, it's okay to prioritize your own needs. You are a good person, regardless of being good or bad in the eyes of others. Working on setting boundaries, asserting your needs, and acknowledging that it's okay to make mistakes can help you move away from people pleasing behaviors and towards a healthier self-image and improved relationships.
MEET THE AUTHOR
Justine Carino
Justine is a licensed mental health counselor with a private practice in White Plains, NY. She helps teenagers, young adults and families struggling with anxiety, depression, family conflict and relationship issues. Justine is also the host of the podcast Thoughts From the Couch.
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