How to Help Your Teen with Academic Perfectionism
Takeaway: Help your teen overcome academic perfectionism by fostering self-compassion, open communication, and a balanced approach to success.
How to Help Your Kid With Teen Academic Perfectionism This School Year
It’s normal for teens to want to do well in school. High academic performance can feel like a golden ticket to getting into a good college and having a successful career. But if your child is persistently distressed, anxious, and worried about their academic achievement, they may be dealing with academic perfectionism. While having high standards for themselves is not a bad thing, perfectionism in teens can lead to a host of mental and physical health problems.
So what exactly is teen academic perfectionism, and how can you help when your child is struggling?
What is Teen Perfectionism?
Teen perfectionism is a drive to achieve that surpasses healthy striving. Up to 30% of teens struggle with perfectionism, particularly in academics. According to studies about academic perfectionism, teen perfectionists typically display personality traits of meticulousness, persistence, and need to demonstrate superiority. These characteristics often drive behavior toward high performance and achievement.
Teens with perfectionism often want to be seen as “good enough” and lovable to others, and to prove they’re worthy of happiness and success. Striving to succeed and do well is typically seen as a good thing, but teen perfectionism can lead to higher levels of fatigue, anxiety, depression, and irritability.
So how can you know if your child is dealing with perfectionism or whether they’re simply trying to do their best? The difference is usually in how they handle perceived failure. People with healthy drive work toward their goals but don’t equate success with perfection. If your teen views mistakes as failure, has rigid and highly critical viewpoints, or holds themselves to higher standards than is reasonable, they’re likely a perfectionist.
Examples of Perfectionism in Teens
Teens with academic perfectionism often exhibit the following behaviors:
Extreme test anxiety, to the point of being unable to sleep or function in the day(s) leading up to a test
Irritability and explosive moods
Intense worry around perceived criticism
Spiraling about grades, especially if one is lower than usual
Prolonged distress about not getting into a certain college
Competition with peers to be the “best” or have the highest grades
Severe inability to tolerate mistakes
Juggling too many extracurriculars
Dwindling of hobbies and life outside of school
High levels of self-criticism – and criticism of others
Difficulty completing tasks or assignments out of fear of not being good enough
Procrastinating to avoid important or difficult assignments
Perfectionism and anxiety often go hand in hand. If your teen is a perfectionist, they probably grapple with anxiety too. This is because so much of perfectionism is about trying to control outcomes or other peoples’ reactions to you. Dialing down perfectionism usually means healing the underlying anxiety and negative beliefs that drive it.
How to Help Your Child With Academic Perfectionism This Year
It isn’t easy helping a child with their perfectionism, especially if you have perfectionist tendencies yourself. Strategies you can employ are to actively listen to their concerns, communicate openly, teach them about perfectionism, and help them reframe negative thought patterns.
Practice Active Listening
As a parent, one of the biggest tools you have at your disposal for helping a teen with mental health is to actively listen to them. Active listening means putting yourself in their shoes, trying to understand where they’re coming from, reflecting back what you’re hearing, and not jumping to criticism, fixing, or solutions mode. This is easier said than done, particularly when your child is struggling and you’re trying to help them. If you aren’t sure whether or not to offer advice, ask them!
Communicate Openly
Talking openly and frankly about perfectionism can help decrease layers of shame and secrecy around it. Perfectionism is sometimes learned from parents or families, so opening up a bigger discussion around perfectionism can help your whole family recognize and acknowledge when it’s happening. Having language to talk about something hard is a powerful gift.
Talk About Perfectionism
Having ongoing discussions about navigating perfectionism can help your teen deal with the pitfalls and decrease anxiety. Help them understand how a more flexible mindset around mistakes and a less black-and-white view of failure can lead to less self-criticism and more self-compassion. Conversations can sound as simple as, “Hey, I know your upcoming exam is really stressing you out. Let’s make a list of things you can control leading up to it, including what self-care activities to do that will help relax you and boost your mood.” Then be sure to talk to them about how it’s not a big deal if they don’t do as well as they hoped. Remind them there’s nothing wrong with imperfection– and in fact, that messing up and making mistakes is part of being human.
Model Healthy Mindsets and Self-Care
Help your teen prioritize self-care by taking breaks from homework and projects. Encourage and model healthy behaviors like movement, getting fresh air, and connecting with family and friends. If your teen sees you engaging in healthy work-life balance, they’re more likely to do the same.
Teen Therapy in Westchester County
If you’d like support helping your teen navigate perfectionism, we’re here to help. All of us at Carino Counseling are trained specifically in adolescent issues, including teen perfectionism and anxiety. That means when you trust us with your teen’s care, your family receives knowledgeable and comprehensive support.
Our team of experts is dedicated to understanding your teen, guiding them through challenges, and equipping them with lifelong tools. We’ll address the underlying causes of mental health issues such as anxiety and perfectionism, while helping your child develop essential skills like reframing negative thoughts, regulating emotions, building resilience, and practicing self-compassion.
Curious about working together? Reach out to set up a free consultation today. Let’s help your teen build a healthier, more empowered life.
If you're struggling with perfectionist tendencies and would like support in managing them, I'm here to help. Get in touch to learn more about how therapy can help you find balance and peace in your journey towards self-improvement.
MEET THE AUTHOR
Justine Carino
Justine is a licensed mental health counselor with a private practice in White Plains, NY. She helps teenagers, young adults and families struggling with anxiety, depression, family conflict and relationship issues. Justine is also the host of the podcast Thoughts From the Couch.
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